Despair, among other things.

What a strange feeling... I don't want to be alive...
No... No that's not it. I don't want to be awake? ... But that implies I will wake up... I just don't want to be. I'm tired. I'm just overwhelmingly exhausted with life.
Putting the effort into fixing things I didn't mess up.
Forcing myself to feel more or less towards something when I just don't care.
Pretending it all really matters to me.
Being lonely.
Being emotionally abused by life... it must think it's funny..
Anymore I don't actually want specific things to get better. I just want to be done. It's not quite that i want to start over either. I don't. Why would I want to do it all AGAIN. I'm not smart enough to get it right the second time anyway. Probably not if I had a million chances. I know it will only get harder from here. I'm not weak exactly... I've fought through some intense things in this short life. I'm just sick of it. I just don't want to fight for anything else. What's worth fighting for anyway? What is supposed to be making all this worth it?
Love?
... It's love isn't it?
I can't feel it. This time last year I felt love for SO many of my friends. Over the summer I had a select few but I cared for all of them more than anything. Now... Now, I can't. It's so hard to explain I do love them... It's just a never ending battle to feel those connections. It hurts to feel hardly anything back. And I know it's not because people aren't trying to send me those messages... I just can't receive them. I can't manage to will myself into feeling. Even hurt is difficult to feel. It's so tiring I can't even explain properly. I'm just sick and tired of life. I don't want to be here. I don't want to wake up in the morning. I just don't.