The prospect of the upcoming winter is starting to make me very nervous. Every year I have something that gets me through. I can always keep myself occupied with work and goals. I can find people to hang out with and funny movies to watch and little adventures to go on. But I need something else. I need that little driving force that pushes me on. A little reminder to keep moving when my body and mind slow down and sink into the seeming never-ending Alaskan winter. Freshman year of high school it was all my new and amazing friends. Sophmore year it was a select few amazing friends, plus a boy, and dance. Junior year it was dance. Senior year it was dance. Last year it was Keenan.
This year... I'm scared. Which is odd for me. I'm not one to admit these fears. But here they are. So plainly set out in from of me. I don't want to be one of those girls that needs a guy. I'm not one of those girls. But anyone knows, to much time alone in winter is dangerous here. And you cannot rely on friends to just always be there, available, or even willing to help. It's a nice thought, but unrealistic.
I want to do things this winter. I want to have fun despite the cold and dark. I want to play in the snow. Have those meaningful and memorable conversations over tea or coffee, looking out into our frozen world. Safe from it. And part of it. I want to wake up on Saturday morning and marvel at the beautiful blankets of sparkling snow covering absolutely everything. I want to appreciate winter. I want to love it.
But without that drive... Winter is dark. I'm always tired because it's always bedtime. I wake up on a Saturday morning. Cold. I wake up and I'm still tired. I wake up, put in a movie, get some food and sit on the computer all day. I go to sleep wondering how to change my stagnant life. And slip off into my dreams with feelings of loneliness and fear. Work seems harder. Sadness seems sadder. And the light that makes it's way into the small window of opportunity just looks feeble and shy.
I'm sure I will find my something. Or hold onto a pre-existing something perhaps. But there are no promises being made. There are no high hopes. All I got is small ideas and wishes. I'm sure I will figure it out. I have to... But all the same,
I'm scared.
Let's get the fuck outta dodge. You, me, and Bobby McGee. We'll take your car (mine won't survive the trip), and drive across America, doing odd jobs, meeting odd people, and having a good time. ;)
ReplyDeleteWhat about taking some classes? You don't have to do it full time, but take one or two in something that sounds interesting and fun! I also reccomend Vitamin D supplements, I never thought I had much of a problem with winter, but When my doc put me on Vitamin D because its good for you physically and everyone in Alaska is defficient, I also noticed myself go through a positive mood change. I love Vitamin D.
ReplyDeleteAnd Another suggestion/invitation, come to church with me on Sundays-if nothing else, there's free food afterwards (Munch n Mingle) and its a way to meet people and something to do for 3 hrs on a sunday-and reason to have sundays off work! :D Obviously, it can be much more than that as well, but I wouldn't complain if you came just for those reasons :P