Remembering Me

I remember the girl back in high school. Who would say whatever was on her mind. Who used her emotions to relate to people. Who knew how to make people feel how she wanted them to. The girl who was an open book for whoever cared to read into her. The girl who wore her heart on her sleeve and loved everyone within arms reach.

But today she's different. And how could you expect anyone to stay the same for that long? Change is good. But sometimes I'm scared I've gone too far. I feel I've grown into a healthy state of mind and sense of awareness. Possibly too aware? It's hard for me to get people to see me for who I am. I look timid. I look weak. I look passive and insecure. I know this. But I am not this. If you could only see just how much fighting I've done. If you had been there as I have you would know I'm just tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of everything being a battle. Yes, I'm quite, but give me a good reason and I'll scream. Yes, I'm an introvert, but attack something I care about and expect altercation. Yes, I'm guarded, but if you're something special and you show me you're sincere, I'll let you into my heart.  I want to make people happy. I can't help that. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. I don't want to hurt anyone. Unfortunately this often comes across as me being scared of being uncomfortable, and me being scared of getting hurt. I am scared of getting hurt. I don't want to feel degraded or desolate. No one wants that. However, those emotions, I can deal with. But can you? I guess I need to have a little more faith in people.

I pretty much had this exact same conversation a few days ago with someone... for some reason it's still on my mind. I guess when someone has a pretty good grasp on your personality any little slip seems like a bigger deal than it probably is. Either way, I suppose I'm on a journey to take a few bricks off the wall around my inhibitions.

<3