Chemistry, Connection and Care

What is it that makes a person who they are? Generalizing it to, "personality" doesn't seem finite enough.. I think a person is composed of a specific accumulation of morals, interests, physical being, general outlook, attitude, faith, who and how a person loves. A simple change in interests can send a person on a complete metamorphosis. There's changes that must happen. Infant to child. Child to teen. Teen to adult. The changes while in those stages though... the unnamed ones... Those are what have me confused. Personality flips. Maturity surges. It's as if we're all caterpillars... who then turn into butterflies... then turn right back around and transform back to caterpillars.

There's some part of me that believes that once a connection has been made between two people it will be there forever... it may change, it can grow or lessen but it will always be there. A true heart to heart binds people. Or so it feels. Another part of me wants to think that connections are only temporary. The actual being of a connection comes with the feeling of invincibility. That feeling of life-long friendship. Love. There's too many situations on my mind right now to connect this train of thought with anything specific... I wish I could because I'm sure this is hard to fallow. I guess I'm just throwing thoughts into space. Wishing more than I could possibly convey that someone, anyone hears what's in my heart. What I'm not saying.. What I simply cannot say. It feels important. It feels... overwhelming.

Sometimes I care too much for my situations with people. Sometimes I force myself to feel too little. It's impossible to find the right footing when everyone is going in different directions. I feel like the sun. Like I'm the stationary piece of this crazy set-up. Just watching as things go by. Moving on with so much of my own transformation, but oblivious to where others are going with theirs. I don't ask. How could I? The words are impossible to find. Yet somehow so impossible to not say. I want to know. I want to help if I can. I want to be a part of who my friends are becoming. The trick to growing up is changing into different people without losing the best parts of who you used to be. I'm willing to back off. I'm willing to stick around. Both seem to be impossible for some people to do. As I'm sure people must think of me... I just want to understand. I want to care for as many people as I can. My heart is working as hard as it can to keep the love it has... but dammit it doesn't know where to let it's emotions land.

Don't get me wrong I'm happy with my life. I'm enjoying every day. But I can enjoy life and hurt at the same time.. this is a full summer' worth of thought, finally thrown out into a jumble of mismatched, poorly chosen words... What does it matter. It's a blog.

When the pope starts reading my blog it'll get better. When Obama starts reading my blog I'll make more sense. When Jesus becomes a "follower" of my blog I'll think clearer... And when pigs ice skate on the ceiling of hell I'll finally get a good nights rest.

"Sometimes people care too much. I think it's called love." - Winnie The Pooh

Eh..?

We're starting to feel like strangers again
It's kind of like I never knew you
It's starting to intrigue me, confuse and appease me
I'm starting to wish I knew what to do

I'm starting to forget the love that we shared
It's lost in a jumble of this and of that
I'm starting to lose it mix-up and confuse it
It's like pulling a memory out of a hat

I just want to know who you are
Like a million pieces of a puzzle uniting
The pieces reflective, a whole new perspective
Casting aside the old, faded lighting

It's not my place to say if it's time
And although with you I can't be sure
I'm wishing it true that I was to know you
Before my curiosity leaves in a blur

Bizarre...

It's an odd feeling. Unlike anything normal I'm sure. Your warmth. Your care. Your company. It's not unlike anything I've experience before. A different kind of friendship. Unexpected. Strange. Misunderstood. Quiet. Comfortable. My best friend.

Desiphering Me

"out there"

I wish there really was a way to send out a message to no one in particular. To really just send something, "out there." Who would read it? Who would listen? Would your best friend? What about you.. If they weren't your friends would you find their stories interesting at all? Would you snatch up their messages and create your friendship anew? Friendships are circumstantial. There's little reason to them.

I want to know who's out there. Who am I missing?

I don't have much. But is what I have enough to save someone?

Hello. How are you doing today?

Want to hear my life story? Anyone? lol

I don't know you. But I bet you're beautiful.

Hi. My name doesn't matter. My purpose in life is unclear. What's yours?

Allergic to Alaska

I went to the doctor this morning to check up on some stuff. Mostly with my skin. Shingles won't go away. Eczema is getting worse. It's getting dark outside and I'm feeling the effects of SAD already. ... I'm allergic to Alaska.

Sooner I get out of here the better. Sooner I have the money sooner I get out of here. Sooner I get a second job the sooner I'll have money. Sooner I get off my ass and go looking the sooner I get a second job. ... Right. I'm off. ttfn

Help me Freud...

A few night ago I had a dream that there was this box full of little (like 2 inches tall) naked, Asian men. And one black guy. They were all stacked facing down and I was taking them out, putting stickers on their backs and laying them down in a row on the table. In the background I heard a voice, "You're a good person Emily. You're doing the right thing." So I put them all back in the box and set it on the window seal.

Last night I had a dream I was at some kind of school or camp or something. And Everyone slept in bathtubs. After I got all my stuff set up around the bathtub in the corner I went into this room where a hamster was having babies. As in... little colorful blobs were streaming from the tip of her nose, turning into hamster shapes and crawling into a bowl. When two blogs combined the babies was full and alive. She had 4 babies. The girls were both purple.

To whom it mat concern,

It's not exactly that things are going all that well. It's just.. nothing is going wrong. And for the first time in years I don't feel like I need to change something about my life. I'm just comfortable with the way things are. All those little things that used to bring drama stumbling and crashing into my life are gone. I'm not even thinking about schooling right now. I've earned myself a break. I'm not thinking of romance. It's just not something I feel I need to sit and put a lot of thought into. It's best just lived. I'm not stressing out over friend drama. I have none. I'm not "fighting" anyone. I've left it up to people to decide who wants to be around me. What better way to surround myself with worth while friends?? It's just peaceful. Sure there's still stress here in there from Family stuff and working and... just things like that. Me, myself, and I are doing fine.

Thanks

Tanks for the back rub. But now I need to watch a movie.

whatever I want

I think they're beautiful... However common.

*I know that no two things are exactly alike.

*You can't assume limits on something judging by its appearance.

*Things are not always as they seem.

I think they're beautiful.

Peace

I've always tried to have too much control over things in my life. I think that's where half my problems came from... Me trying to be in control.. When in reality I have no say in what happens. I mean, yes on a smaller scale I can control things. I can control my day. I can't control who I meet. I can't control who wants to be my friend. I can't control how fast the world moves around me. Lately it feels like I have to just sit back, take it all as it comes and deal with it.

You don't want to be my friend... I tried. I did... But I can't change your mind for you.

You say you need me. Okay, I'm here for you. I do love you. I do.

You say you don't know me. You don't bother. I'm not going to chase you. When you want to know me... you will =)

You expect so much from me. Well this is all I'm giving now. Later, we'll see. I need to do what's best for me.

I can't control your world any more than I can control mine. And I'm okay with that. I'm making the most of what I have. Which wouldn't seem like much.. A job. A close friend. A warm summers day... It's enough for me. My heart is not only healing, but growing. I'm open to hearing my options. Whenever they show up.

A Way Back Into Love

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need 'em again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end

Reality Check

I didn't know being in a relationship excused you from being a decent friend... I'll keep that in mind I guess.

Aliens. I'm sure.

Random Thoughts

I have more morals and guidelines than most people would think. It's will power that I'm missing.

No two people know the same me.

I like myself best when I'm alone.

I enjoy life more in the company of others.

I'm honestly terrified that I really am incapable of loving again. Not to sound emo... but the thought actually really bothers me.

I think seagulls are beautiful.

I don't let go of the past. But I refuse to look back.

I ate three moon pies today.

Sometimes I think of all the people I care for and would like to look after. Then I wonder, who's protecting me?

I think I'm happy now. Is happiness like love? Do you have to just know?

It's just nice when I don't have to sleep alone. Having another person around gives me a little more peace at night.

I'm scared of losing control around other people. It's never happened.

I should be sleeping.