To my friend,

who tells me everything. The friend who can talk me to sleep. The friend who knows when I'm smiling, over the phone.

who writes to me. Who left but isn't gone. Who shows up online when I do, and brightens my day by simply being. The friend who thinks I'm funny. The friend who can make me feel intelligent.

who I can go a month without seeing, and we never lose that connection. To the friend I can dance and sing with in the car. The friend who gives the best hugs. The friend who confuses the words "lilo and stitch" with "skittle." =P

who was never really gone. The friend I've been across oceans with. The friend who I can trust no matter what when it really matters.

who spends every day with me. Who doesn't hide anything from me. The friend that knows my every emotion. The friend who lets me know I'm "important."

who I haven't seen in five years. Who I can still get on the phone with and talk about whatever. The friend I would give nearly anything to go see. The friend I miss the most.

I love you.

What is it about him,

that makes me care so much? Evey idea, every opinion, every word is important. The fewer the words the more important. It all effects the way I think and I just don't know why. I want to never lose contact with him. But at the exact same time I want to disappear from his life. I don't know why. It's not admiration, lust, jealousy or spite. Makes me want to be a better person. Makes me want to go back and erase all the mistakes. Makes me want to fall apart. Lose myself. I want to say, "See! You didn't fallow me! You didn't care! I knew it!" ... But I don't know that. I know that wouldn't happen and I love him for that. But I want it to happen anyway. I want to find a flaw in the pristine being he is. I want to be friends with him because he's so perfect. And I don't know why. I'm not crazy, I know it's unjustifiable. I know it's ridiculous. I know I have no reason to feel any of it. But I do. and I don't know why. I've only acted on this once. And it was stupid. I felt like an idiot. So now they're just thoughts in my head. Nothing more. But if I were him I would want to know. But he wouldn't... How about you? Would you want to know? Please answer.

Gives them all a bad name.

It's a truth we can't escape, our world is full of social prejudice. However we can't escape knowing that some biases are justly placed. Keenan and I were at Chena Hot Springs this weekend and not even a minute after we sat down in the hot tub this guy gets in... well, stumbled in. He nearly fell on me on his way down. He sits down after gaining coordination, and starts talking to us. It's very easy to tell that the guy is drunk. And one of the first things he tells us is he's in the military. Soon after that he's telling us about "getting lucky last weekend." We humor him for a while. Just when I'm starting to feel uncomfortably hot and wanting to go outside he calls his friend over. His friend (also in the military) has two blood-shot eyes... The kind that comes from broken blood vessels. Bright red. They tell us how he got in a fight in a bar a few weeks ago. And how they were no longer allowed in. After a little more small talk they ask us about ourselves, Keenan said he was in collage and they talked about that for a minute. Then the first guy to get into hot tub, Steve, asks, "What about you?" I say, "Well, I haven't made it to collage yet but I plan on it." Steve says (very loudly) "HIGH SCHOOL!!" and then he and his blood-shot friend high five. At this point I am really wishing to leave, too hot. Keenan just stood up and leaned against the railing. Me, being in a hot tub with three guy, two of them being drunk crude GIs, didn't think it was a good idea to stand up and lean anywhere. The next topic Steve and his buddy come to is how much "Fairbanks hates the military." They can't figure out why people don't like them or how they get their bad name. "F*ck you Fairbanks!" .... If you can't see the irony in this at this point, trying reading this through again... lol

'Repitivie Patten Phobia' or 'Textophobia' ... Makes my skin crawl.

It's a phobia that hasn't been in my life long. At least not to this degree. Texture. Bumps, holes, indents, ridges, ruffles. All close together. I think it might be the fact that I can't see the whole surface.. I don't know if there's something in there, behind the bumps, behind every little edge. I don't like small moving things, and something about extreme tiny textures forces my mind to imagine something coming out of them. Even if I KNOW there's nothing in there, behind there what have you, I can't touch the thing. My bare skin cannot make contact. So even if nothing is emerging, I find it frightening in a sense. I've looked this up online and found next to nothing. I know there's other people with the weird fear. One of my friends actually has it too. The topic came up today when sponge at work. I wasn't freaked out about it... probably because I'm too used to them. But it sparked my interest on how I can be completely unable to touch these kind of textures, but I can get used to them individually? If this were any kind of real problem in my life I think I could probably familiarize myself with objects I don't like enough to where they didn't gross me out anymore... But I'm not about to even try that.

This is keenan writing now. See, emily didn't want to look at the page after she put the honeycomb picture up lol. Her fear mostly lies in organic textures, (bone marrow, shriveled things, sunflower centers, fish scales etc etc). This phobia is not as bad as her toe touching phobia.... don't ever touch her toes

Me, Myself, I and Emily Robyn.

I can't tell if I've changed into someone so different that it's just taking a long time to catch up to... Or if this me just won't connect with the rest of Me's the way myself once did with Emily. I know myself hasn't changed all that much. But I have. It's hard to see if you're not this Emily. It's not even seen. Felt. Or... Not felt. I just do not feel in tune with me. Like my emotions are sitting on a shelf neatly lined up and evenly spaced. And then there's me on the other wall. With my blond poofy hair and my blue blue eyes. Lined up among the other people. Other "Emily's." There's a clear space between me and the emotions of myself. Easy to see, hard to reach. I've always wanted to be a part of something. Half a couple. Part of a team. Someone's best friend. But now I want me to know myself. I want to be the two parts of me combined. I want to fill the space between with whatever's missing. Collage. Independence. Health. Faith. I don't know what goes in the space but I know I'll need that bridge at some point...

Allergies

So about two months ago I had some blood drawn. The doctors idea was that my skin issues might be brought on be a food allergy. So I payed like $300 to get my blood tested and I'm allergic to:

Yeast.
Eggs.
Cranberries.
Flour.
Mushrooms.
Wheat.
Whey.
Red Grapes.
Cheese.

And I don't understand completely but there's something about an intolerance to large amounts of sugar and dairy.

Which leaves me with meat and veggies mostly. A lot of fruits too, but for one reason or another my doctor is asking that I go three weeks without eating anything but meant and vegetables. same I live off fruit and bread... Fortunately she said it's probably not ALL of these hurting my skin.. I suggested I just stop eating one at a time.. But apparently it can take up to a week for a food allergy reaction to occur after you've actually eaten it. So.. it would take s while to do all that. Hopefully I can narrow it down to just one or two of these that I need to avoid. Or just changing my diet to MOSTLY meat and vegetables, but not cutting everything else out. We'll see. Basically I'm annoyed. If I have to choose between good skin and good food... I'll probably go for the good skin but that would make the rest of my life annoying. or not.. lol I actually have no idea it's just bothersome right now. Anyway, I'm off to eat another potato.

Shapes. You. Next? Life. Me. Great! False. RAWR!

Shapes in the clouds.

Figures in the stars.

Patterns in the rock.

If only life could be looked at from so far away.

I have a blog I want to post to you. But I'm scared it'd make you angry... I always made you so angry.

I don't want to know how it ends.
I just want to know what comes next.

I miss what I had.

I'll miss what I have.

I feel somethings missing.

lol Life.

I'm difficult to see,

impossible to catch,

easy to love,

hard to hold onto

and never quite what you thought I'd be.

WHY WON'T YOU LET ME PUT A SPACE HERE?!?

"Have a great day!" (asshole) "Have a great day!" (asshole) "Have a great day!" (asshole.) "Have a great day!" (asshole) "Have a great day!" (asshole.)

OR HERE!??!

I miss writing blogs.

I wrote blogs when I was upset.

Therefore I miss being upset................................................................False =P

RAWR!

Empowerment

You'd be inclined
To be mine for the taking
And part of this terrible mess that I'm making
But you
You're the catalyst

You'll be the vein
you'll be the pain
you'll be the scar

You'll be the road
Rolling below
The wheels of a car

And all of the thoughts on
God,
Don't know if I'm strong enough now

You'll be the vein
you'll be a pain
you'll be the catalyst

The best thing you ever did for me was help destroy me. Without turning into something nine tenths collapsed I would have never turned into something nine tenths rebuilt. Nine tenths improved. I know that is a time in my life I will always look back on in embarrassment and regret. A time where I gave you everything. My friendships were in your hands. I fought so hard to keep things stable and silent. How was that not unnerving to you? How could you think nothing was wrong? All my pathetic attempts to keep my secret. But it wasn't enough. You destroyed my reputation and my trust in you all at once. You will never know the depth of the emptiness I felt when you left me. I was alone. I was betrayed. I was scared. I was replaced... I was free. I've hated you. I've regretted you. I've missed you. My heart had been broken, my world unbalanced... and you just couldn't see how much it all was still taring me apart. No, I don't blame you alone. I hated myself for it just as much as you. I hated us. But as much as I've always wanted that us to disappear, I wouldn't be me without it. And me, right now, as I am, is the best me I've ever known. So thank you. I have little respect for you, no real emotion left for you, but I thank you. In some bizarre twisted way you've helped me. It's like burning a field so better life can grow in it's place. You were that fire. And I will never forget that.

Those Republicans...

I don't have a problem with Republicans. Some of the basic actions and ideas of them bother me.. Take the four men who come into the cafe every morning... Few weeks ago I heard, "Last night I saw a video online showing school children singing a praise to Obama. It was one of the scariest things I've ever heard." ... OH NO! God forbid we praise our president! How DARE they let small children think having respect and showing honor for their leaders and country is a good idea! That's ridiculous!

A few weeks later I heard something along the lines of, "I can't believe they're showing Obama speech to school kids in classrooms... I would never let my children see that." .... Me neither.. if one of my nations role models and leaders was giving a speech telling kids to stay in school and work hard I would keep my children at home that day. Might as well show them porn. ... Stupid teachers."

The one that gets me the most- This morning, "I cannot believe they gave Obama the Nobel Peace Prize. What the hell has he done to deserve that?" How about changing how America treats the rest of the world? How's that for a start? Over the past eight years if any country got in our way Bush either bought them off or bullied them. The world hated us. Winning a Nobel Prize isn't a joke. The republicans at the cafe hate it... because unlike some republicans, they hate everything democratic. The ideas, the party, the politicians. Everything. A republican hasn't won the Nobel Peace Prize since 1973 when Henry Kissinger helped stop the Vietnam war. Since then 3 or 4 democrats have won it. But no... It's not enough to win what is probably THE biggest international honor. There's a lot of Nobel Prizes. Ones of literature, mathematics, science.. but the Peace Prize is about as high as it gets. You don't get one in a box of cracker-jacks. This morning they said it was just probably enough democrats close to the judges just asking for Obama to get it. They select the winners in Sweden you morons! These people get elected to do this BECAUSE they can look at things objectively. BECAUSE they can see the big picture. Unlike those men in the cafe who are just CERTAIN that the republican party is right, and the rest of the world is wrong! How can they be the only ones with valid points? How?!

I make it a personal policy to not talk about politics in public. The people disagreeing with you don't care what you have to say, and very few people will listen closely enough to ever consider changing their minds. Republican OR Democrat. I just REALLY needed that off my chest. And don't get me wrong.. I don't hate all republicans or anything.. Those ones at the cafe bother me. And I never get a chance to argue... not that they would listen... Not that I'd have the nerve.

What's it all about?

I feel like writing more blogs lately. But I can't find anything to write about. I used this blog as a tool for venting.. and now.. I dunno I try to keep updates but it's always been the same, the words only flow when I'm sad. Happiness takes fewer words to explain. For me Happiness isn't an emotion. It's ABOUT something. It's ABOUT working hard and gaining from it. It's being able to forgive. It's ABOUT achieving goals. It's ABOUT trusting. It's ABOUT accepting life, and loving it anyway. I can only reach so far to hold onto the ones I loved. But at some point I've realized it's not about me. I can try to make things right with my family.. But no matter what I do things don't change. Is it my fault? No. It's not about me.
Life. This life. My life. That's about me. Who I care for. Changes I can make. Ways I can help the world. My world.

The Little Things

It's annoying that once I'm in a good place in my life I just never happen to see my friends. I think that's the only thing missing. I see Ashleigh here and there. Hannah every now and then but apart from that it's just Keenan and I. Ditching my friends for a boy? some might think that but no. It's just not like that. Thing is I just don't see people. I don't know anyones school schedules, so it's frustrating trying to plan stuff. And people stopped texting so much so it's just awkward to start talking. I dunno I saw things turning out differently. I guess a big part of it is also how busy I am. Maybe it's just work, but it takes a lot out of me. 40 hours a week at 6am is exhausting. It's a great shift don't get me wrong. I make some damn good money... but I have little energy after work. Sitting in massage chairs at Saddlers with Ashleigh was pretty much the perfect afternoon. But I still feel run down. I miss being able to just sit and talk with Lavina. Getting lunch with Sam. Sitting with a group of friends at Kylie's watching Killer Tomatoes or something. Just little things like that ya know? But I'm just not sure how to get from one place to another. How did I get from there to here? ... I really don't mean to sound like I'm complaining. I'm doing rather well there's just little things missing. And anyone who's seen Zombieland will know as well as I do, that enjoying the little things is important =P

Changes

My life is almost nothing like it was a year ago. Different best friends. Different job. No school. And moving out soon. It's weird how as things are happening you don't notice that they're actuall;y changing your life. Looking back I ask myself, "Where was I when all this happened?" Too close to see what was going on. I was a wreck a year ago. Those close to me then will remember... Well, I dunno I kept my life quiet. Even the small things. Now, I feel put together. I'm trying to remind myself time and time again that things are going well. As I can feel myself getting sucked into the darkness of the changing seasons. Already, just with the easlier nights, later days, I feel down. My heart and I know things are going well. My emotions and I are convinced otherwise. What side am I on anyway? ... I can tell already this year winter will be better. I miss the company of a lot of people... Dance people. Best friends. Classmates. But I truely am surrounded by the small group of people who really care for me. It's easier to have hope now. Easier to keep my head above water. It's still hard, still a chore. But this winter.. I think I might be able to beat it.

I can't wait.

I'm getting so excited for moving out. Sure thing aren't the way I planned. Not going to Tennessee. Yet. But I'm getting out of my house. I have a great job. I've always wanted to be independent. It's just been something in my nature ever since high school started. I've got everything I need for my new room. Book shelf, bed, lamp, pillows, night stand, laundry hamper, door lock, coat hangers.. lol just those little things are getting me excited. Maybe not my dream roommates, but there's no real big issues. I'll probably end up keeping to myself a bit anyway.. My work schedule is different from theirs I think so when they're home I might be asleep a lot. We'll see. I'm just loving the thought of leaving home for good. I've got plans for painting my room.. all that good stuff. I'll probably post pictures when it gets put together. Naturally the main theme of my room will be kinda boring.. I'm painting the walls white and most everything else I've bought is black. And some green. I'll be nice I think. Anyway I just felt like talking about that stuff. I really wanna have a little get-together with a bunch of friends once I get my room fixed up. So keep in touch people. =)

Love.

Couples make me happy. I know it's weird. But it warms my heart to hear Hannah speaking of the miracle that is.. I guess in one word.. Val. To watch Ashleigh's face light up when Adam texts her. "My boyfriend loves me!" Whenever Adam speaks of his devotion to Shelby I smile. They're so happy. Looking online at Ashley's wedding pictures with Fred. So in love... So beautiful. I love love. Love it. Seems all my best friends are passionately falling. They're all so happy. So happy... Firsts loves, second chance loves, true love... It's beautiful. Love makes people beautiful. I love it.

Ordinary.

It seems like such a strange thing to hear. Me, "ordinary" ... No. The completely unneeded response is caught in my throat. I've heard a lot of them, "weird" "crazy" "unique" "fascinating" "complicated" None of these meant in a negative OR positive way entirely.. but none of them anything closely relating to "ordinary."

Yes, yes I am. Thank you, I've always aimed for that. How dare you. Oh well. I don't care. How rude. ... Ordinary.

I suppose ordinary is better than an unusually evil. Surprisingly hateful. Abnormally obnoxious. Or is it? Stand out in a bad way? Fade in? If it's not hurting anyone... stand out? ... Fade in. Fade out. ... Ordinary?

But why should it matter? Not like I know the guy. Met him twice. To me he seems like a being completely without personality. Boring. Rude perhaps. But I do not know. It doesn't matter. Not even a little bit.

... Ordinary.

... Ordinary.

?