Why You Runnin'?

You know that feeling where you have so much flooding into your mind all at once you literally feel weighed down by the stress and pressure of your own imagination and concerns? Well last night was something like that for me. So much running through my mind... So much pain, so much confusion, excitement, desire, shame, fear, relief and on and on so many different kinds of emotions battling against one another and my brain unable to focus on one emotion, thought or issue.

I tried to watch a movie to distract myself. No luck I was simply unable to focus. I took a hot shower, made some tea and tried to go to bed.. An hour and half into my attempt at sleeping I got up, put some shoes on and stepped outside. Then I ran. Down the hill onto the trail I used to walk all the time when I was younger... And I just kept running... through the dark. The longer I ran the fewer emotions I seemed to have in my way. I kept running until I was out of breath and aching from pains in my sides, legs and feet. I stopped. Sat down in the wet ground on the side of the road.. I tried to think of my problems... Nothing came to me. I tried to think of my blessings... Still nothing. I was at that moment completely neutral to everything in my life. Nothing was harmful.. The past week, however self destructive I may have been didn't seem important. My friends, whom I love dearly were just another small puzzle piece in my life. No one had hurt me, no one had helped me.. I hadn't hurt or helped myself.. I was just... There. I tried to analyze it.. but my brain simply refused. My thoughts were no longer fighting one another.. they had given up. I was nothing. So I walked home. Unusually aware of my surroundings.. The lights from the nearest houses bringing the only distinction into my life.. guiding me home. Why I was walking didn't matter... Where I was going didn't matter. I just wanted to sleep. So I got home, crawled into bed and went my first night without dreams since about three weeks ago. Blissful, undisturbed sleep.