Not sure why I remember these so easily.

"I love the guy... But he's not for me."

"I want to be with him but I just can't deal with his attitude."

"If she could just wait for like... four years."

"I loved her to death but the relationship needed to end."

"I liked [her] for years, but [she] never let us date..."

"We always blamed it on timing but I think we were just scared to find out we weren't perfect for each other like we had always thought."

"Yeah I still love her, but we're going in two different directions."

"I never should have left [her]. But I had my eyes on someone else at the time."

" I will always love him. But I can't do this anymore."

"Some day, after we have mastered the winds and the waves, the tides and gravity, we will harness the energies of love. And, for the second time in the history of the world, man will have discovered fire."

Justice...

I try not to wish unfortunate happenings upon other people... But there's some people that just deserve to feel pain. Some people should know what it feels like to get hurt. The kind of people that harm others. The kind of people that hurt the ones they "care" about. If nothing else they should at least understand what they've done. But to those people things will never become clear. To them nothing will ever click because to them, they will always be right. It will ALWAYS be another person fault. They are never at fault. Whatever we say. Whatever we've said goes straight in their ears, and our of their mouths as something else. And it leave us here... All we can do is accept that it is our responsibility to come to terms with what happens around us. We have to take what they force upon us and turn it into something useful. We have to make up for them. We have to keep our faith and work twice as hard. we have to.

I have to.

Why Today?

I haven't had a conversation with you in over 9 months....

I've seen you only once in the past 7 months...

Why are you making me feel so sad today??

=)

Every day I feel a little better about myself. I like to surround myself with good people. People with values and morals. People who show me the respect I show them and people who know how to respect themselves. My best friends are who they are because they're good people. Because they have a good sense of what's important in life. I guess that's why I learned to think less of myself than I should. In comparison I've always felt a little outdone. But lately, lately I feel responsible. Lately I feel intelligent and reliable. In contrast to my background and surroundings I feel superior. Sometimes I wonder if it's wrong to feel like that. Then after some time I realize these feelings really are justifiable. I have my life together. I know what I want. I work for what I want and what I want is WORTH working for.

It's been too long.

I had a dream last night that he was there. Everyone was there... But he was next to me. I tried to leave but he put his hand on my shoulder. He held me there. And Everyone was pretending not to notice. All my best friends were there. I looked over at Hannah and Sam and they looked away. He leaned in and started talking to me. I don't know what he was saying but it hurt. I tried to get up but he held me there. His voice got angrier and angrier. I kept hoping someone would say or do something. I started crying. I looked across the room at Adam and he just stared at me. I looked at Marc and he looked away. His voice got louder and angrier...

Then I woke up. Crying. Terrified.
It makes me feel so pathetic.

When will this go away?

Missplaced

Lately I just feel out of place everywhere I go. Like I've always felt out of place in my family.. That's one of the things I thought moving out would help me with. But I met up with Allyson and Caitlin a few days ago and I don't think I can connect with them like I used to. They didn't have a single story that didn't involve getting "SO fucked up." I'm not saying they're bad people they just have a completely different outlook on life than I do. They made me feel like such an uninteresting person. So I can tell already that being around them is going to get a little unnerving... Apart from living situations I don't feel in place with my friends. They're all in Collage... I am missing a big part of their lives. I don't feel like I fit in with them. I also work with a family. Mother, two daughters and a cousin. I guess there's David. But our shifts never match up. And he's far less than friendly anyway. When I'm not working I'm often over at Keenan's. And clearly I'm the odd man out there. lol The thing about functional families... I guess I just feel like the black sheep of wherever I go. It doesn't bother me a whole bunch. It just gets old not being a real part of anything. My feet are firmly on the ground these days. I just don't have a comfortable place to stand. =/

Importance

I understand now.

It's hard to be friends with someone depressed.

It's hard to be friends with someone boring.

It's hard to be the only one who CAN be there.

It's hard trying to be the "perfect friend."

It's hard. Very hard.

But worth it.

Not Alone

Here I am, sitting alone in this cafe. Been here for a while. about 9 hours actually. I'm writing, alone, snuggled up with my computer and my hot cocoa.

I wonder how many more of "me" there are in the world right now.
How many sitting in cafe corners on their computers.

Sipping a hot drink.

Waiting for something interesting to happen.

Perfectly content in sitting, waiting, watching.

How many people are wishing their fake nails are gone by now?
How many people are chewing this same type of gum I just spit out?
Or wearing this ring?
Or feeling this way?
How many people are listening to this same song?
How many people miss their best friend?
How many people just don't wanna go home?
How many people want to be accomplishing something beyond their means?
How many people are sure that they were meant to do something much, much more important? Like helping someone.

Or saving someone.

Stopping someone from doing something stupid or harmful.

How Many people are having a hard time comprehending this worlds twisted laws and "normalities"?
How many people believe in something better?

Something no one has even thought of before....

How many people are OUT there?
How many people can call themselves people at all?
How many people can hear me?

Not if I scream.
Not if I become famous.
Not even if I publish this blog.

How many people can HEAR me.

People who can relate?
Listen.
Feel.
Understand.




I think everyone can.
Everyone is.
We can't help ourselves.
Why do we try so damn hard?

One New Message

Late at night when I should be sleeping I often pick up my phone and look through my contacts, finding memories to match everyone in my phone book. It makes me feel closer to people I don't see anymore to have them a push of a button away. But that push of a button is another story entirely. I should be asleep, my boy just left and I feel like texting someone. Someone who knows my current life story. Someone who can level with me and share opinions. Someone who isn't going to blow me off or say something rude. Someone I can trust. And I know everyone who reads this is going to be like, "Hey, you can always text me!" But honestly, am I the one you go to in the middle of the night? How much do you actually know about the dynamics of my world as of the recent months? How close are we? I'll just set my phone down for now. Thank goodness for blogs.

A WHAT!?

A guy came up to the counter today and asked for a "quickie." After a couple minutes of offended confusion and rude comments I realized he wanted a quiche.

Pieces Of Me

I don't like grilled cheese sandwiches or coffee for the same reason.

I love Christmas, I hate Christmas songs.

When I'm in the bathtub I HATE when water gets in my belly button before the rest of my stomach is completely submerged.

I find it odd that I am not afraid to touch sponges.

My boobs are uneven.

I love saying, "I told you so."

I get pink mail... =/

I hold onto material possessions. Gifts, pictures, other memorabilia, because I'm scared of finding out someone or something I loved never existed.

I'm terribly shy.

I can't whistle. I only remember to practice when I'm around people. And they ALWAYS tell me to shut up before I get anywhere, by the time I remember to practice again, I'm back at square one.

I feel offended when people don't use a recipe while cooking.

I can't breath when I wear leather clothing.

I've never endangered my life by trying.

pretending to be nice to costumers trained me to actually be nice to real people.

A doctor once told me I had borderline personality disorder.

I love to pluck hair. Like eyebrows or men's growing facial hair.

I hate when people cuss around young children, pregnant women and old people.

I can't swim. I don't catch and I wish I could Juggle.

I'm one of those girls.. I have a HUGE crush on Robert Pattinson.

I feel more comfortable in small spaces.

I think everything tastes better in small portions.

Chances are, I will NEVER admit to loving you (whoever you are) as much as I really do.

My favorite musician is a big Nordic, redhead with dreds, facial hair and a soothing voice.

I also like Wham, Cher, Hall and Oats and Clay Aiken.

I often sit in my car and count the vehicles that pass. Sometimes just the red ones. Sometimes just the black ones.

I have no secrets. Between about 6 people, they know everything.

I've always wanted to be thinner. But I love food so damn much!

I'm terrified of people touching my toes.

I'm legally blind in one eye. And my hearing sucks.

How... Words.

There's so much I want to explain right now...

How great I feel sometimes.

How confusing this past week has been.

How much I want to take the words back.

How much I appreciate the honesty and love.

How tired I am.

How frustrated I am.

How I could for the first time ever, feel myself as a person changing. While it happened.

How hard I'm trying.

How much I've let go.

How little I want to fight.

How free I feel.

How much I want to impress.

How I just don't see how it was SO easy for her to cast me aside...

How surprisingly little I care.

How grateful I am to have my life the way it is now.

I want to explain so much right now. But there's too many thoughts in one place. I'm having a hard time separating the thoughts at the moment. So this'll do. =)

Just rambling, I promise. lol

I've tried to explain this countless times on this blog... The me, not connecting to myself thing. I think the thing I have a problem with is that I used to define who I was with who and how I loved. These days, I love less. I love a lot of people still.. Ashleigh, Ashley, Keenan, Adam 1, Adam 2, Lavina, Laura, Marc, Sam 1, Sam 2, Joe, Hannah... But I never see them. Ashleigh is busy with Adam 3 and school. Ashley lives in Tennessee and has a baby and a husband. Adam 1 is in another state. Adam 2 I never see. Lavina is hard to reach. Laura, Sam1 and Sam 2 are all busy with work and school. Marc lives in Canada. Joe lives in New Hampshire. Hannah is busy with school and boyfriend. Keenan is my best friend. But a person needs more than one friend. I love all those people but I have to keep my love at a distance or it bothers me that I never see them or in some cases that I don't receive the love back. Without being close to people I have a hard time being close to me. I love my life. But I don't feel connected with it exactly. Hopefully this is the last time I try to explain this... lol. It never works. Maybe this is me saying to anyone who reads this blog, "Hey, I miss you. I love you." If I were smart I could become closer to the ones I actually see... But that leaves my coworkers and Keenan's family.. lol. I really like the people I work with. Jake is hilarious. Taylor's adorable and fun to chat with. Bobbi's my boss.. lol. And David hovers between amusing, fun and hurtful. But I don't hang out with any of them outside work. Apart from one party at least. My "roommates" Allyson and Caitlin and I used to be friends. Best friends in fact. But they live a life I'm not interested in living. And it's hard to connect with people who can't see eye to eye with. And people who don't really care if you're friends or not. I often wish I would just randomly meet someone. A costumer maybe. Someone in the mall.. a friends friend.. and we'd talk, text, hang out, and just talk all the time. They'd care about what I had to say. They'd open up and tell me about their life. And *POOF* Best friend. But it doesn't usually happen like that. More than that scenario... I'd love an old friend to text me with a, "Hey, I miss you. Lets hang out." And things would work their way back to a close friend mode. I just feel a little empty.. Not much, but a little. I'm happy. But I know I could be better.

YES!!

Muhahaha! I'm convincing.

To my friend,

who tells me everything. The friend who can talk me to sleep. The friend who knows when I'm smiling, over the phone.

who writes to me. Who left but isn't gone. Who shows up online when I do, and brightens my day by simply being. The friend who thinks I'm funny. The friend who can make me feel intelligent.

who I can go a month without seeing, and we never lose that connection. To the friend I can dance and sing with in the car. The friend who gives the best hugs. The friend who confuses the words "lilo and stitch" with "skittle." =P

who was never really gone. The friend I've been across oceans with. The friend who I can trust no matter what when it really matters.

who spends every day with me. Who doesn't hide anything from me. The friend that knows my every emotion. The friend who lets me know I'm "important."

who I haven't seen in five years. Who I can still get on the phone with and talk about whatever. The friend I would give nearly anything to go see. The friend I miss the most.

I love you.