Is this what they meant? When they said I was “depressed” ? It’s starting to feel like a sickness. I feel contaminated. People say I can be hard to be around because I’m depressing and sad. If only they knew how impossible it was… It’s so hard to fight it. Slap on a smile, put on some make up and hold back tears. Try to blend in because I know what happens when I show myself… When I’m honest with the world. That’s when they leave. I need to keep them around so I pretend. They don’t have to know I’m sick. They don’t need to lend me their shoulders to cry on. Or their arms to hide in. They don’t have to see me cry. They don’t have to know how I feel. How the weight of my emotions drags me down. I can feel it in my core. I’m stronger than you think, I can stand up straight and hold my head high even with the burden of a deep pit in my heart and a head full of tears and lonely thoughts. I look up and I see darkness. I’m surrounded. I’m hopeless. I don’t ask much help. I used to. But my help couldn’t handle me either. Imagine being the one who has to hear me complain. Imagine being the one who gets the texts at 2am. Imagine being the one I count on for everything. Imagine this now… Imagine being the only person in the world who can’t run from me. Imagine being the one who is MOST sick of me… and you’re the one who is irrevocably placed in the center of my life. Imagine being me. What wouldn’t I give to get out?? Suicide? No, I’m not brave enough. Drugs? No, I’m too poor. A good friend. Honestly I feel guilty being a persons friend. I feel like I’m cheating them out of something. They put their time and energy into something... Like me. You fools. Don’t you know I have nothing to offer. It’s all pretend. I’m a fake. I have more secrets than you could imagine. I keep everything from you… Don’t you know I’m worthless? Don’t you know I’m sick? No… You don’t. And that’s why you’re still around. You don’t know the half of it.
So don't take my photograph
‘Cause I don't wanna know how it looks
To feel like this
As cars and people pass
It feels like standing still but I know
I'm just moving uncomfortably slow
--Newton Falkner
we know that you are sick... and that you don't tell us the truth... or at least the whole truth... we ALL know emily... and THAT is why we are around. We're waiting for you to trust us. More people are being hurt and broken by your silence and your pretend world. I personally can't tell when you're being real with me sometimes... because I see how fake you are with everyone else. it's harder to be around someone who wont trust you as much as you trust them. You need to accept that you and your life aren't perfect and that's OKAY. NO ONE can ever prove you wrong because you never let them try. and when they do you just shut them off. i for one REALLY wouldn't mind knowing what's ACTUALLY going on in your head. you have more people that WANT to love you than have ever wanted me... and it blows my mind that you can shoot negativity out about and to them just because YOU are afraid. Opportunities come and sit on you face... and you can't see them, not because you are invisible, but because they somehow are to you... Everyone sees you... they know that you are there, but they also know that you will never let them FULLY see you... and that's why you are lonely. i love you and I want to be there for you... but I can't do that most of the time because you wont clue me in on everything. i'm in your world with out a map. But i'll wonder around for as long as you let me... because I love you more than anything. truly.
ReplyDeleteLavina I've told you more than almost anyone else. And may I remind you that 2 years ago when i WAS open with people, you were one of the first to leave. I trust you now with so much... But it's hard to forget how much you ignored me last year. I always give people chances. it's 2nd chances that are hard for me. I forgive more people than I used to but it just doesn't make snese to me to set up the same situations with the same people as before and expect something different. And who is everyone? You, Hannah? ... Mr. East? lol Think about what you're saying.
ReplyDeleteto be honest... you both kind of have a point. and the whole second chances thing... this is my FIRST chance, i've never been this close to you before, and i still know you don't open up to me fully... you do let your past damage you. but lavina's right in saying that we know this and we're still here for you when you're ready.
ReplyDeletewe being lavina, me, hannah (even though you guys have issues going on right now), chris, laura, people who are around and care for you and you just mark as invisible...
I never said I didn't trust you Ash.
ReplyDeleteIt's not a personal insult on anyoe if I'm ashamed of myself too much to not tell people shit.