IDK

I feel bad when I make people worry. You'd think it would be nice to know they care enough to worry. But it doesn't. I don't know what I want from people... I want them to leave me alone most of the time. But, damn you all for not being in my life. I've been trying to analyze myself. I guess I want there to be someone already close, already informed and trusted to be here for me. I have a lot of people who I trust to certain degrees, and I love a lot of my Friends dearly... but, I guess I'm wearing too many masks to give anyone a chance to really understand me. I don't want to tell anyone my whole story. I hate my whole story and I can't see anyone being accepting of it. It's probably wrong to assume that.. give them the benefit of the doubt emily! ... I'm scared. I miss some of my old friends... All but one walked away from me first. So there's no real point in trying to get them back. The one I walked away from probably doesn't care anymore. And even if he did... so much drama... I want to be someones favorite. I miss being someones number 1. Or, feeling like people really want me around. I'm quite a burden. I realize that. The emotional, irrational emily.

Yesterday I got to thinking about how amazing it would be to just leave here. If you could just move on with your life, start a new one. If after I do or don't graduate I just say, "goodbye life, it was interesting, time to move on!" But no... it's got to be the same life huh? It all get carried with you. Becomes a part of you.

I don't know what I want. I don't know if I want them to leave me alone or be my best friends. I don't know if I miss him, or if I'm glad the worst has finally got to be over. I don't know if I want to like that one guy... Or if I'm smarter than that. I just don't know.