My Family

My family's confusing... The 4 of us.. Mom, Dad, Aaron and Emily. The best explanation f my family is sitting in my driveway. My brother's truck is red. My fathers truck is red. My mothers car is red. My car is black... the three of them are all lined up together facing the house... Mine's up the driveway a bit, behind a tree, facing away from the house.

My mom's my least favorite... She's not a good person. Not a good parent. In 8th grade we got in a fight and she didn't talk to me for 3 months. A parent holding a grudge against her 14 year old daughter... Mature mom... real mature.. And Summer before Junior year she got mad at me.. for no reason really.. I was grounded. For me grounded meant I didn't leave my house AT ALL for a month and a half. And no one in my house talked to me. At all... Keep in mind this was right after Christian moved. I was falling apart in every way and my mom knew that.. So she kept me away from anyone who could possibly help. ... All I wanted to do was see Allyson... or Harry... But no... I fell into depression.. First time I ever SERIOUSLY cut myself.. I showed my mom... She laughed. ... My mom is a terrible person. I have no respect for her.

My dad's my favorite. That's not really saying much but he is. He's smart and funny when he wants to be. He's also rude and hurtful when he feels like it. The one thing I think I'll always remember my dad saying is, "Stop feeling sorry for yourself." ... I don't enjoy complaining... It's me calling out for help. But my dad's never seen that. I can tell him anything... anything at all and if it's a complaint I'm "feeling sorry for myself." He's also a push over with my mom... Whatever she says goes. If she's mad at me, so is he... because she tells him not to show me affection. I've heard her say it. Another thing I'll remember my dad saying is, "Your opinion doesn't matter." ... And that's just the way it is for me.

My Brother... Oh boy.. He's 21. He's a horrible influence and he's selfish as hell. In the past 4 years we've only had 5 conversations about my life. I started counting in 8th grade just for fun... turned out to be easier to count than I thought so I kept going. He's good at getting himself in trouble. He'll die from drug abuse or alcohol poisoning.. I'm sure of it. He's weak. I'll blame my parents for that one... They idolize their little boy. Treat him like a prince. He's been spoiled and loved since he was born... He got his heart broken his junior year and he fell apart... started doing drugs, fighting, drinking, lieing.. but my parents were there for him.. Still cared for him.. I got my heart broken and they did absolutely nothing. I don't know why they adore him. He's not a good person either.

I don't like my family... They don't like me. We all know it. We all say it. I've felt completely abandoned by them since I started middle school. I think that's why I get so upset when I lose friends. My friends were the closest thing I've had to a family... But I've realized that my friends don't have families that openly hate their guts.... and I can't expect them to be my family. I've been working on my issues... I try not to get attached as people... I really want connections with people because I don't get them at home... I'm kind of needy I guess. I like to love. But it hurts. I love my family... I don't like them, I have no respect for them but I love them. I know that only because they hurt me so bad. It wouldn't hurt if I didn't care. I dream of having my own family one day... doing it right and feeling needed and loved. It'd be nice. But mostly I'm too scared of screwing it up like my parents to want a family at all. I don't want to hurt anyone like this. It's not fair to treat someone that way when they can't escape. I'll feel wanted one day... I'll be loved... I'll be needed, trusted and cared for.... At least, I hope so..