I wrote a myspace bulletin this morning. One of those top friends surveys. This one happened to be on my top 4. Ashley, Adam, Lavina and Caitlin. I used to love doing those surveys because it reminded me how amazing my friends were and how much fun I had being in their lives. This time however as I read back over the bulletin I realized how depressing my answers were...
Here's some examples:
Why is number 1 your number 1? Habit really
When did you last talk to your number 2 in person? Few months ago
Have you talked to any of them today? not yet. I'll probably talk to Lavina and maybe Caitlin.. through text
When your crying, who do you call? no one
Which one was the last one in your house? uh.. I think caitlin was at my house once for like 2 seconds last year
Last year I got mad when I lost all my friends. By the end of the year the only friends that cared enough to stick around were Allyson, Caitlin, Hannah and Kylie. I thought I was mad because I was lonely... But really my feelings were just hurt. Like when a person you didn't REALLY like breaks up with you... it still hurts because it's a direct insult to you as a person. Last year I felt abandoned... Christian left, my mom moved for like 3 months, my best Friend stopped talking to me and slowly everyone else left too. This year I get annoyed when people are too close. I like my time alone. I guess it's because of last year. I'm so incredibly resentful of what happened that I don't even want people to be close to me. Currently the only friend I have that hasn't hurt me in some way is Caitlin. And no I'm not saying I'm holding every little grudge I could possibly hold. I don't care if you hate me or talk shit about me... That's your issue. I just generally feel that people aren't really worth my dedication or affection. Again, I don't want people to take this too seriously I'm NOT saying I don't love some of you I just don't feel connections or obligations. I don't owe anyone a damn thing. But in all honesty I'd like to. I'd like to have a Friend return the feelings I once tried to give them. I'd like someone to try and understand why I've become so numb to friendship. No one feels close to me, so I feel close to no one. I've given up fighting for friendships. If they're good friends you shouldn't have to fight. And never once has someone met me half way. It's always me putting my heart and soul into something that only matters to me. I hadn't really analyzed it this much until now. I love my friends. I love being with them and I do wish I was closer to them. But yes, I've lost faith in that happening and I don't expect it at all.
to be honest, i'm kind of offended. i know thats not what you intended, but here's the thing. last year, i tried tofind the perfect balance between hanging out wiht you guys upstairs and going downstairs. But every time i went upstairs, all i ever got from anyone upstairs when i went up there was "you never visit anymore, you must hate us, the people downstairs are so mean idk WHy you hang out with them," and other sayings that just pushed me away... It was like, every time i went up there, nobody wanted me there.
ReplyDeleteand i'm not sure how i've personally hurt you in some way or another. the very few things you've trusted me with i've never told any one else, even when maybe i should've. but i didn't tell for you.
hey, and remember when you told me you were going to start taking your medication? and i said if you did'nt lve me any more i would die. and you said... to smackyou across the face so you'd realize that your medication made yo not love me... well, you think maybe thats got something to do with it?
i'll meet you half way, i run all the way there myself....
but you got to be receptive to it, or else no matter what i do, it won't matter.
i'm just saying. i'm not mad or anything, just making my pointtoo.
What I've found especially as I've moved away to school and left friends back home, and made new friends here is that a friend is most essentially someone who loves you and cares about you. I'm not undermining your feelings at all, you were very justified in feeling abandoned. You were facing alot of things that many if not all of us can't understand. And pretty much everyone has done something to hurt you.
ReplyDeleteConsider this for a moment: you aren't perfect either, and as sure as I am that all of us have hurt you, we are all human, and we still love you despite the things you do that have hurt or offended us.
I love you Emily, and I may not be able to express it in the way that you wish I would, but I can't deny that I love you and that I care about you and your heartaches and trials. I wish I could take your burdens and carry them myself, I wish I could magically make it all better, but I cant. So all I am capable of offering is my love, my encouragement, I can celebrate your triumphs with you, and cry with you when you are hurting. Even when I'm thousands of miles away, I keep you in my heart.