You wouldn't understand

I know a lot of people get frustrated with me because I don't open up so easily. I get close to people and I trust them but I'm still guarded.. There's still a wall. If you were me you'd have that wall too. I've opened up to 5 people about the worst and most difficult parts of my life. Only 1 of those people is still in my life today. Imagine how it feels for the people who knows the most about you to hate you or not talk to you. How can a person be comfortable with that? Also there's a lot more to me than a person might think. I know EVERYONE has a lot of little secrets and they don't tell they're Friends everything. But.. if I tried to explain how much shit I'm going through that no one knows about it'd just sound like I was bragging or something.. I'm not looking for attention, the opposite actually... I want people to understand that it's because I care about my friendships that I don't tell them everything going on. Because no one wants to be friends with someone who has that much shit in their life. You'll probably all say you would.. you want to help... But when my daily life consists of doing things that goes against the values you most believe a person should have.... I like people to think I'm a good person. So I don't open my world up for people to look at. I could explain it all but that would take more effort and energy than I have. There have been a few people who have complained lately that I don't tell them everything. Well this is why. I'm embarrassed. I'm scared. And I care too much about my friendships.